I am not an expert in relationships, so to make this more digestible I decided to make this post a letter to myself at the age of 13. This was my first year of high school and it was during this time that I first heard of the term “friend-zone.”
Dear Kenny,
Don’t be a jerk. Your friends are going to tell you that women like jerks but, please don’t listen. In the long run, they will all be wrong.
It is acceptable to be friends with women. Contrary to what you will believe during high school, girls are going to like you. However, constantly expecting something in return for being kind to women will backfire. Be nice because you’re nice. The biggest assholes are those who expect something in return for being polite. No one owes you anything.
This doesn’t mean that you should not express your feelings. If you’re attracted to someone and see through your friendship that things may work out in a more intimate setting, shoot your shot. Just learn how to be friends with a woman even after they reject you.
This is something you’ll still struggle with even during college but, you’ll eventually see the benefits. One example would be that women oftentimes are great at introducing you to other women. The best way to meet a potential partner is by being introduced by a mutual friend.
The friend-zone should be the very thing you seek. It makes no sense to avoid friendship with anyone, especially someone you like. The friend-zone is the best place to get to know someone and see if you enjoy their company. Even if the friendship never evolves to anything else, having friends of the opposite sex helps you gain a bigger perspective on life.
Try to take the advice from your male friends with a grain of salt. Yes, you should never be taken for granted and you should know your worth. And yes, you shouldn’t waste your time pursuing someone who does not like you or see you for what you are worth. However, don’t cut someone off from your life either — just because they don’t want to date you.
In the future, you will meet some amazing women who you will actually prefer to keep as friends. This approach will be the best for you, as having deep connections with women will be more important than following the competitive race to be the “ladies man” that your other friends will pursue. That race is exhausting and not for you.
Through the friend-zone, you will meet the love of your life. You will see her for all that she is because there won’t be the initial filters set in place when you are meeting someone for the first time and immediately start dating. There is a certain intimacy that you share with someone that can only be gained by building a strong friendship first. We often create images of ourselves that aren’t real when we are dating a stranger.
When you are friends with someone, you see them for who they are and can make a better prediction of how a potential relationship will turn out.
Don’t be a jerk. Be a friend. The quality of your life will change drastically when you stop chasing women and simply live your life being a friendly and kind man. It makes almost all of your interactions with women lighter; there’s less pressure.
Also, not being constantly focused on trying to be in a relationship someone will deepen the one you have with yourself. That relationship should take top priority more than anything else. And when you have a strong relationship with yourself, you’ll get the added benefit of becoming more attractive to others.
Enjoy the friend-zone, some of the best memories are made there.
——
If you’ve read this far, thank you. I often don’t publish the letters I write to myself in fear of criticism but, with the encouragement of my girlfriend and because of a quote I recently read (see below) I decided this was worth sharing.
“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.”
― Cyril Connolly
New Statesman, February 25, 1933
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